21 things Men & Women need to know about each other in any sexual or non-sexual relationship

This is really like a letter and form of advice to my own younger self. A letter that could have made my relationships — and the lives of the women in them — more honest, enjoyable, and nourishing for both sides. It covers things to reflect further on, and to specify more. Things that are controversial for many, but important and benefitial enough to share. Things that I did not know, but I deem as essential and would have wished to know and integrate earlier. 

But what I had to learn the hard way (and still keep learning in some sense), might make it smoother for someone else. I hope it helps both women and men to understand us and our bodies better. And to be of a little orientation in a world, that tries to confuse even definitions of „man“ and „woman“.

Most of what follows describes tendencies, not rules. Bodies, nervous systems, and life histories vary greatly. These reflections come primarily from yogic, tantric, and energetic models of the human being, and from my own lived experience. They are not meant to replace personal truth, but to invite deeper curiosity.

There might be much more, and even much more important topics to cover. Especially for each of us individually.

But those are the ones I see as the most crucial to understand. And I invite anyone who is open to reflect on it. 

1. Never ever -ever- wrong or ridicule your partner, or anyone you respect, for opening up to you about their hidden thoughts and feelings, burried desires, their fetishes, or secret dreams. Appreciate the honor you received, and that they trust you enough to share it with you! 
2. Sex is not the most important thing, but relating with one‘s own sexual energy, is one of it. Working with sexual energy is the base for one‘s personal relationship, and any relationship with another person
3. Women generally have a much much bigger capacity to hold and work with sexual energy than men
4. Female arousal and release mostly increase vitality and healthy circulation for her. Male release is more discharging and typically requires recovery. This difference makes conscious pacing and containment especially important for us men — and invites awareness, patience, and attunement from our female partners
5. Never fake anything during lovemaking. It is neither helping you, nor your partner. True pleasure and improvement in intimacy require an honest connection and real signalings
6. All the genital fluids of both men and women are highly sacred, and revered in many cultures. All of them have different healing properties, and can and do benefit our health, vitality and whole being on many levels
7. Women ejaculate as well, and while men can release only one type of fluid, women can release various types of fluids
8. Many spiritual traditions see sexual energy as the fundamental force of existence. Everything living is made of it. And any human is a sexual being. We all need to work with that energy in one way or the other
9. Men‘s arousal is like hayfire – it builds fast, but left uncontrolled, it also dissolves fast. Women‘s sexual energy is like boiling water – it builds up slowly, but it also sustains itself longer
10. Naked sunbathing (alone), and silent meditation (together), will do more for your relationship than most psychological counseling
11. Orgasm is highly benefitial and therapeutic for both genders. But it is not necessarily the peak of a sexual experience
12. Especially women can have more than just one type of orgasm – and they are not limited to only the genital area
13. In comparison, clitoral orgasms are often the most accessible but also the most localized form of orgasm. When other areas of the body soften and become sensitive, pleasure can expand beyond peak stimulation into deeper, more nourishing, and more whole-body experiences
14. Women do not loose their sensitivity and sexual capacity with age
15. The more a man exercises his self containment, slowness and capacity for sensitivity, the more pleasure her woman, and he himself, will be able to have during sex
16. The more a woman exercises her vaginal muscles, the more pleasure both will be able to have during sex
17. A mindful form of masturbation or relating to one’s own genitals is very important and highly benefitial for both men and women
18. Most women will reach orgasm easier through stimulation by hand than through penetration sex
19. We all store numbness in our bodies. In the genitals, the most extreme forms show themselves in women as vaginism, and in men as Erectyle Dysfunction
20. Neither an erection, nor the involvement of the genitals, is absolutely necessary for a great sexual experience
21. Devotional energy and sexual energy, are very much connected

This is not a manual, nor a final truth. There are much more things to say and to addIt is a snapshot of what life, intimacy, mistakes, and reflection have taught me so far. Much of the points covered come from yogic, tantric, and energetic models of the human being. We don’t have to believe them for them to be meaningful reflections. Take what resonates, leave the rest.

I think we can learn a lot about ourselves and each other, if we reflect more on how we and our bodies are built. It improves our lifes and relationships greatly. With this, I advocate for more curiosity, more openness, and more understanding of one another.