Important Disclaimer: Neither this post nor this site does in any way promote or glorify death or suicide. In fact, it goes against the very purpose of this site, which promotes life in various ways! If you have suicidal thoughts, please reach out to your local hotline for suicide prevention. If you wish, you can also contact me privately – either by mail: max@sentirmas.org – via Telegram Messenger: @maxdkc – or via Instagram: @sentirmax. Remember: There is always a way!
Introduction to the story:
One night I had a dream. I am still amazed by its beauty and that I remembered it in such vivid details when waking up. I had to write it down. And I am in awe just remembering it. I think it would make a great hollywood movie. It has all the things people love on screen: mystery, drama, death and sex! So if anyone sees Steven Spielberg around, please give him my details.
The story:
We were sitting with a group of people our age on a table outside the restaurant, in the house I grew up in. It was a nice summer evening, and nighttime already. It seemed as if we were waiting for something. But it was not clear for what exactly. At some point a person came, and offered us a deliberate death, by taking a substance he brought with him. Maybe for a study, maybe because we were a group of sick people without hope, I dont remember. I accepted to take it. My mood was casual and quite normal. Not excited, not desperate, not with a lot of thought to it. Not nervous or anxious. But also not naive or light headed. I knew what I was getting into.
Along with me, a young woman took it as well. The same applied to her. No big thoughts, no naivitee, no excitement or worries, just a flow that lead to it naturally. Together we left the group, knowing that we only had a few hours left, maybe just minutes. And that we wont live long enough to see the next morning. It was just a peaceful clarity about that fact and its consequences for us. There was no rush, but a peace and preciousness about those last hours, which we were now sharing together. There was no lie to carry anymore, no pretending or a mask to wear, no fears to hold you down, no plans to make or future to look at, no meals to eat or schedule to plan. As we were anyways about to die soon.
The whole dream was very calm, peaceful and precious. We went to the building next to our table, leaving the group. It was a kind of bath house, with mist calmly coming from the hot water beneath it. With dimmed lights and a tranquil moody atmosphere. As if it was made for people like us, waiting for death in a peaceful empowering environment. There were no other people. Just us. We went to the sauna and had little chats. Not stressed or surface level. But also not desperate to fulfill or do any last thing, before facing death. There was also no thought in us of making use of the situation together, as two young people being intimately alone. It was just very peaceful, with seemingly nothing left undone. We both seemed to have nothing to regret, nothing to hope or cry for, and no more unfulfilled desires. We did not decide to die because our lifes had reached its peak already, and now there was just nothing to do anymore – It was as if we were just blessed to be in that state of no regrets, no haunting thoughts, worries or tensions of any kinds. We were both very peacefully waiting, almost happy for death to come. And to welcome him like an old friend we havent seen in a while. We kind of knew that it was not the end. We were just leaving our bodies, moving on to a new chapter of existence.
Every now and then, one of us seemed to get dizzy, and the other was asking with care about it – expecting death to take place now. And offering comfort to the other, for anything uncomfortable in the process. But all symptoms were more like phantoms and not real. They would just go away by themselves after some moments, proving themselves to be a false flags. We had a lot of care for each other. In a humble, very sacred way. Just a few hours ago we were just two strangers. Now we seemed more like two very close friends, who had been together for all their lives. Kind of like family, kind of like brother and sister, kind of like lovers. It was a feeling as if we were married for all our life. Even though we just met a few hours before. It was a very precious, very deep, very free type of love. Like a bond that was not heavy or clinging, it was pure and sacred. Beautiful and precious to experience for this brief moment. We went to the pool room. Just like the whole building a very calm and moody place, with soft lights in the background, and the steam from the water calmly floating upwards. We both put off our clothes without any thoughts or inhibitions about it. No insecurities, no shame, no thinking about what the other might think, or if it was appropriate. Also no overly stimulated excitement or desire for our naked bodies. We just shed our clothes as part of a peaceful experience, that this whole waiting for death was anyways already. Which was a kind of peaceful excitement in itself. But an excitement that was not related to anything but itself. Very peaceful and joyfully we went into the water. She had a beautiful young body. Actually we both did. Afterall we were still young and in our best years. There was a recognition of that fact, but no sadness or regret because of it. Just a fact and even a joy that it was like that. And that we can have this moment in this way.
We talked more. Naturally we had no surface conversation. Every word we spoke came from a place of peace, of truth, and of love. Beyond any social norms, tension or superficial talk. One could say we barely talked at all. But every word, sentence and question had deep peace and preciousness in it. In between I was wondering when death would come, as afterall we were still waiting for it. Even though we seemed to forget it at times. I looked at her body and breasts every now and then when she was talking to me. Not in a staring or longing way. Just naturally, as they were a natural part of her beautiful body. She told me that she didnt like her breasts usually. We stayed a bit in that silence that followed it. It was not an arkward silence. Just a very peaceful silence. As if one last insecurity came peacefully and honestly to the surface. Like a separate little entity. A once very complicated and troubling entity. But now turned humble and honest, in the face of the opportunity. Asking carefully to be released. And to be able to dissolve itself back into Love.
There seemed no tension or inhibitions in either of us. Total acceptance and openness in the beauty of the moment. I carefully moved my hands to touch her breasts. There were no insecurities, nor any great thoughts or tension on either side of us. And she was not shying away – the contrary. The carefulness of the touch seemed to quietly dissolve even the last bit of shame and insecurities that were left in her body, and which she just told me about. There was an appreciation and deep respect between us. For our lives and paths, for our experiences, for our soul and bodies. Unlike anything we both had ever experienced, yet we did not get hyped up or overly excited about it. Not because we suppressed it, but the very preciousness of it made anything impossible that would disturb its own peace and preciousness. It was just a deep silent recognition of the immense beauty we were experiencing in those last moments. It was sacred, and we experienced our sacredness in a forever unique body and situation. There was no show, no pressure, no desperation for anything. We did not feel we had to do anything, or miss out if we didnt. Nor did we feel that we had to fear anything. Death was anyways coming any moment. There was a deep reverance in it. We were still for a while, appreciating the stillness unfolding within us. In that stillness, she slowly came over and sat her body on top of mine, both of us facing each other. It was a natural joining together, no hasty moments, no need for feedback or thoughts or tensions of any kind. Just calm and peaceful flow. Like two lovers coming together as nature intended them to. Slowly, our hips engaged with each other, letting our whole being join it, in slow harmonious movement. Experiencing the sacredness of two bodies merging in calm joy and reverance. Not because we thought we had to, or that we need to make use of the last bit of possibilities and pleasures of our bodies, before its too late. Nothing of it. It was just naturally unfolding, like one flower opening up, like two mists joining each other and merging into one. Rhythmic, and in deep appreciation for one another, our bodies enjoyed themselves intensely for one last time. Forgetting everything around. Even themselves. What is left in a state like that is never dying. It cant. Its eternal, as it belongs to something higher than time and worldly existence.
Maybe we actually never took a deadly substance we thought it would be. Maybe the substance was something else. Maybe death is something else. Maybe the place is something else. Maybe we did actually die that day. I dont know. What I do know, is that I am here, writing these lines. And that we are still together. We are still One, happy, blissful, in deep peace, never having left the state we were merging into together. What happened to our bodies, I dont know. Maybe we are still there, as alive and as peaceful as never before. Or maybe just as we had always been. I dont know. But I do know that Bliss exists. And that our bodies are made of it essentially.
